Atta girl!

Cookie

\r\n \r\n While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for his IQ.
\n
\n"I\'ll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives!!"
\n
\nHis wife replied, "Why, thank you dear."\r\n

EarlyBird

\r\n \r\n 2 great ones, Cookie! Thanks so much for the great laughs!

\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n My pleasure, EarlyBird

\n
\n
\n
\n

~Financial Planning~

\n
\n

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

\n

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I\'ll inherit $200 million."

\n

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

\n
\n

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

\n
\n

\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n Step Back, I Know First-Aid
\n
\nWhen a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
\n
\nA woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and shoved her aside while barking, "Step aside, lady, I\'ve taken a course in first-aid!"
\n
\nThe woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder.
\n
\n"Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor.........................I\'m already here."\r\n

EarlyBird

\r\n \r\n You\'re just full of \'em, aren\'t you, Cookie!!!!!!!!!!

\nI can never remember them!

\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n

\n
\nYep! I get so excited when I come across them.. they\'re fun~

\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n Atta girl!!

\n
\n

\r\n

Quote:

\r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n

\r\n \r\n

\r\n Originally Posted by kind2creatures\r\n

\r\n

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don\'t want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
\n
\n"I watched my wife\'s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, \'Hon, why don\'t you try carrying several things at once?\'"
\n
\n"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

/f36/20372-efficiency-expert.html\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
\n
\nThe first man married a woman from New Hampshire.
\nHe told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
\nIt took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home
\nto see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
\n
\nThe second man married a woman from Florida. He gave his
\nwife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and
\nthe cooking. The first day he didn\'t see any results, but
\nthe next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw
\nhis house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a
\nhuge dinner on the table.
\n
\nThe third man married a girl from New Jersey. He ordered her
\nto keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
\nwashed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said
\nthe first day he didn\'t see anything, the second day he
\ndidn\'t see anything, but by the third day, some of the
\nswelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
\nleft eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix
\nhimself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
\nHe still has some difficulty when he pees.\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n Atta Girl Cookie!!! \r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n LOL .. didn\'t even chip the nailpolish! \r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n Keeping this from being buried, it\'s such a goodie!
\n
\n
\n
\nA police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,\' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.\'
\n
\nThe driver says, \'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. \'
\n
\nNot looking up from her knitting the wife says: \'Now don\'t be silly, dear -' + '- you know that this car doesn\'t have cruise control.\'
\n
\nAs the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
\n\'Can\'t you please keep your mouth shut for once!! ?\'
\n
\nThe wife smiles demurely and says, \'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.\'
\n
\nAs the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
\n\'Woman, can\'t you keep your mouth shut?\'
\n
\nThe officer frowns and says, \'And I notice that you\'re not wearing your seat belt, sir.
\nThat\'s an automatic $75 fine.\'
\n
\nThe driver says, \'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.\'
\n
\nThe wife says, \'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn\'t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you\'re driving.\'
\n
\nAnd as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, \'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??\'
\n
\nThe officer looks over at the woman and asks, \'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma\'am?\'
\n
\n
\n\'Only when he\'s been drinking!\'
\n
\n
\n
\nOriginally posted by kind2creatures
\n/f36/20745-wife-hell.html\r\n

james.an235

\r\n \r\n LMAO Cookie, thanks for all the great stories. Keep them coming !!!\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

Quote:

\r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n

\r\n \r\n

\r\n Originally Posted by james.an235\r\n

\r\n

LMAO Cookie, thanks for all the great stories. Keep them coming !!!

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

You got it James! Lol

\n
\n
\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\n
\n
\nThis one is rather risque, so anyone \'sensitive\' to naughty talk may want to skip this one

\n
\n
\nLARRY IS IN ROOM 232 AT THE HOSPITAL
\n
\nOkay, so you\'re asking, who the heck is Larry?
\n
\n
\nLarry gets home late one night and his wife Linda asks, "Larry it\'s late. Where have you been?"
\n
\nLarry replies with a grin, "I was out getting a tattoo."
\n
\nLinda\'s jaw drops "A tattoo?!? What KIND of tattoo?!" she screeches.
\n
\n"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he replies proudly.
\n
\n"What the hell were you thinking?!?" she said, shaking her head in total shock and disgust.
\n"Why in the world would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?"
\n
\nLarry looks at his wife and says, "Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow."
\n
\n"Two, once in a while, I enjoy playing with my money."
\n
\n"Three, I like how money feels in my hand."
\n
\n"And, best of all, instead of you going shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
\n
\n
\nAs I said, Larry is in room 232...
\n

\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

Quote:

\r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n

\r\n \r\n

\r\n Originally Posted by Cookie\r\n

\r\n

As I said, Larry is in room 232...
\n

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

Good one Cookie!

\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
\nday and said "Fifty" years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept
\non a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
\nsleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.
\n
\nNow .... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and
\na large screen TV, but I\'m sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems
\nto me that you\'re not holding up your side of things."
\n
\nMy wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
\n18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be
\nliving in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
\nwatching a 10-inch black and white TV.
\n
\nAren\'t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy\'s
\nproblems.\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n

That\'s right! Women are great at finding solutions!!
\n
\nGlad you\'re back K2C! Missed ya!!

\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

Quote:

\r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n

\r\n \r\n

\r\n Originally Posted by Cookie\r\n

\r\n

\nGlad you\'re back K2C! Missed ya!!

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

Thanks Cookie, back atcha!!

\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n

\n
\n
\nWomen\'s Ass Size Study
\n
\nThere is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:
\n
\n30% of women think their ass is too fat
\n10% of women think their ass is too skinny
\nThe remaining 60% say they don\'t care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn\'t trade him for the world...
\n\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n Good one Cookie! Kinda mean and sweet at the same time!

\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

Quote:

\r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n

\r\n \r\n

\r\n Originally Posted by kind2creatures\r\n

\r\n

Good one Cookie! Kinda mean and sweet at the same time!

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

\n
\n
\n

REDNECK LOVE POEM

\n
\nSusie Lee done fell in love
\nShe planned to marry Joe
\nShe was so happy \'bout it all
\nshe told her Pappy so
\n
\nPappy told her Susie gal,
\nyou\'ll have to find another
\nI\'d just as soon yo ma don\'t know
\nbut Joe is yo half brother!
\n
\nSo Susie put aside her Joe
\nand planned to marry Will
\nBut after tellin\' Pappy this
\nHe said, erm there\'s trouble still
\n
\nYou can\'t marry Will, my gal
\nso please don\'t tell yo Mother
\nBut Joe & Will and several mo
\nI know is yo half brother
\n
\nBut Mama knew and said my child
\njust do what makes yo happy
\nMarry Will or marry Joe
\nYou ain\'t no kin to Pappy
\n

\n\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n Mama knows best!!!

Atta Girl Cookie!!

\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n Just received it in email

I love it when something is unexpected & actually makes me laugh outloud! I\'m still smilin\' over it.\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n A lady in a bar saw a cowboy with the biggest boots she\'d ever seen and asked if it\'s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
\n
\nGrinning he replied \'Sure is... Come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to ya?\'
\n
\nCurious, she spent the night with him.
\n
\nNext morning she handed him a $100 bill.
\n
\nHe said, \'Well, thankya, ma\'am. Ain\'t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.\'
\n
\nShe replied... \'Don\'t be getting all flattered....take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!\'
\n
\n

\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n

Atta girl!

\r\n

EarlyBird

\r\n \r\n Love All the jokes...thanks to all of you for the laughs!

\r\n

ozzie

\r\n \r\n Great, love them all thanks for the laughs

\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
\n
\nAlong comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma\'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking..."Isn\'t that obvious?").
\n"You\'re in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
\n
\n"I\'m sorry, officer, but I\'m not fishing. I\'m reading."
\n
\n"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I\'ll have to take you in and write you up."
\n
\n"If you do that, I\'ll have to charge you with sexual assault ," says the woman. "But I haven\'t even touched you," says the Game Warden.
\n
\n"That\'s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
\n
\n"Have a nice day ma\'am," and he left. \r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n

^
\n
\n
\nA husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
\n
\n\'What do you think you\'re doing?\' asks the wife.
\n
\n\'They\'re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans\' he replies.
\n
\n\'Put them back, it\'s a waste of money!\' demands the wife.
\n
\nSo he does and they carry on shopping.
\n
\nA few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
\n
\n\'What do you think you\'re doing?\' asks the husband.
\n
\n\'It\'s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful\' replies the wife.
\n
\nHer husband retorts, \'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it\'s half the price!\'
\n
\n
\n
\nHUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7!\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n .....

\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n More proof that God has to be female

\n
\n...And God promised men
\nthat good and obedient wives
\nwould be found in all corners of the world..
\n
\nThen She made the earth round
\nand laughed and laughed and laughed.. .. .. .\r\n

Solstice Goat

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

Quote:

\r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n

\r\n \r\n

\r\n Originally Posted by Cookie\r\n

\r\n

More proof that God has to be female

\n
\n.. .. .

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

\nI had a gal tell me that when God created man, she was only joking.
\n
\n
\nMy reply was, "Really?.......................................... .....
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n..................................well who is the joke on?"

\n
\n
\n
\n
\nThe smile left her face pretty fast.

\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n ..........

\r\n

Samia

\r\n \r\n If this thread were antiwoman jokes, I doubt they\'d be around for long.\r\n

Mad Scientest

\r\n \r\n

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
\n
\nAdam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
\n
\nGod said, "Go down into that valley."
\n
\n Adam said, "What\'s a valley?"
\n
\nGod explained it to him.
\n
\n
\n Then God said, "Cross the river."
\n
\nAdam said, "What\'s a river?"
\n
\nGod explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."
\n
\nAdam said, "What is a hill?"
\n
\nSo, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
\n
\nAdam said, \'What\'s a cave?\'
\n
\nAfter God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
\n
\nAdam said, "What\'s a woman?\'
\n
\nSo God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, \'I want you to reproduce."
\n
\nAdam said, "How do I do that?"
\n
\nGod first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
\n
\nAnd then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
\n
\nSo, Adam goes down into the valley,
\n
\nacross the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
\n
\nThen, in about five minutes, he was back.
\n
\nGod, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
\n
\nAnd Adam said....
\n
\n
\n*
\n*
\n*
\n*
\n
\n"What\'s a headache?"
\n
\n

\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

Quote:

\r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n

\r\n \r\n

\r\n Originally Posted by Samia\r\n

\r\n

If this thread were antiwoman jokes, I doubt they\'d be around for long.

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

\nYou ain\'t jokin\', they\'d get zapped presto magic!

Just kidding

\n
\nThere\'s alot of female gender specific jokes sprinkled through the pages of this HUMOR forum. Take a look.. blond jokes, \'That\'s When The Fighting Began\' jokes, and such. Most of the guys on NMT have a GREAT sense of humor and are married so they get a chuckle out of them. They\'re jokes, ya know?
\n
\nI\'m on another site where there\'s a \'gender war\' thread, so posting these to one thread here makes them easier to find when I need ammo

\r\n

Solstice Goat

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

Quote:

\r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n

\r\n \r\n

\r\n Originally Posted by Samia\r\n

\r\n

If this thread were antiwoman jokes, I doubt they\'d be around for long.

\r\n \r\n

\r\n

Start a new thread and see.
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\nBetter check with your wife first.

\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n ..........

\r\n

Cookie

\r\n \r\n .........

......

\r\n

kind2creatures

\r\n \r\n A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
\n
\nSuddenly, a tiny yet beautiful lady fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
\n
\n"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
\n
\nNow it was the husband\'s turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I\'m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
\n
\nThe wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
\n
\nSo the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and -abracadabra! the husband was 92 years old.

\r\n

Samia

\r\n \r\n Why were shopping carts invented?
\n
\nTo teach women to walk on their hind legs.
\n
\n
\n\r\n

Cookie · � #1 � 07-24-2010, 01:36 PM

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do?!!

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long have you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you come?" they ask.

"Well, I've been here since last night," remarks Mary.
"Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled his hands away and found that all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and flower petals all over.
And on the bed.......... he had handcuffs and ropes!

He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So, here I am."

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Switch to Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Threaded Mode

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
HPV Vaccine blinds 16 year old girl	kind2creatures	Children's Health	1	06-26-2010 10:45 AM

��Useful Links

Site Navigation