• Due to lack of activities, this forum is set to be closed at the end of this month (Aug 31), the forum has been set to read-only mode. Thanks for all your support over the years!

Never good enough for my parents

someguy

New member
Joined
Feb 8, 2010
My parents are both obcessive perfectionist types.. and so am I.. Im doing everything right with my life right now, I started my own company, just hired my first employee, I dont do drugs, I dont drink, I take good care of my self/health - and still my dad mostly keeps p ushing me to do more, to be better, comparng me to other succesful young people.. I think this has been causing me a great deal of stress for a long time and today I finally couldnt take it anymore.

Ive been so happy lately and for the first time in my life feel like im doing everything right.. and today my dad was going on about this young guy who just sold his company for 80 million dollars and 'how come im not doing that?'

It made me feel completely empty and deflated and actually sucks all my motivation away.. I feel like im doing my best and actually succeeding a great deal - and to then be compared to someone else - makes me not care at all.. like .. if im already trying my hardest and thats not good enough then who cares about anything?


I sent my dad a long email explaining how it made me feel and citing similar instances in the past.. How can I shield myself from this negativity and love myself no matter what my parents think? I tried not to let it effect me but I think it really did today.. maybe because its been building up a long time.. Im already a perfectionist myself - the last thing I need is someone telling me im not doing enough all the time.

Any advice? I know its a pretty common experience im having.. the feeling like your never good enough thing.. my parents do love me and they provide a lot for me - they have good intentions but dont realize how much there words effect me. The worst part is, I think my dad is just trying to spur me on to keep doing better, but it has the opposite effect.. it makes me deflated and depressed.. where as if he were to just love me and support whatever I choose to do and congratulate me on success I think I would do a lot better.
 

Arrowwind09

Standing at the Portal
Joined
Oct 16, 2007
I think you did right in sending him an email and telling him your feelings. Obviously he doesn't understand how his words hurt you so he should know. It might take him a while to come to terms with it all.

Sometimes the son has to be parent to the father.

Your challenge is to learn to love yourself regardless of what he says. You can't take his love with you but you can take your own love with you where ever you go. Hopefully he will hear what you are saying and reflect and change his behavior to be more supportive.... and remember, people who act like this generally are all bound up inside so tight that they may not even feel their own pain.

some people just don't know how to lead and inspire though praise. ..\I will bet you that this is the same BS that he was handed as a kid so its what he knows.
 

someguy

New member
Joined
Feb 8, 2010
Original Poster
He replied.. and basically said he thought he was supporting/loving me and now he feels like an asshole.. but that hes proud of me and will support me in anything I do

Now I feel bad.. but I still am glad I told him how I felt - the only part that makes me feel bad is I brought up lots of times in the past he made me feel that way (I was pretty emotional at the time) - so I think it made it seem like I had/have been harboring resenment towards him for a long time - which probably makes him feel pretty terrible.. I love my dad completely.. he jsut doesnt realize the effect he has on people sometimes.. he's a good person but he seems to always find fault with everyone/everything.. I feel bad for him.
 

kind2creatures

...elusive dreamer
Joined
Apr 5, 2009
Location
USA
Moxsum, I think you've got yourself together and really doing well with all you've accomplished already. Along with keeping away from drugs and alcohol, and being as proactive as you are with your health, deserves praise to be sure. This world would be a better place if there were more young guys like you.

Arrow made some really good points. I think it was a good idea to get some things off your chest to him in writing, sometimes it's impossible to hold a verbal conversation with some people and be able to get your feelings across without interruption. Don't get your hopes up too high though, in getting through to him. They say if you don't expect much, you won't be too dissapointed.

Remember, your father may have his own hang-ups that he's never shared with you. Like Arrow said, maybe his father pushed him the same way, maybe he resented it just like you, it's true in a lot of cases I think.

Keep in mind that he's just a regular person that came upon his earth just like you and me. Experiences he had as a child and growing up, shaped his personality and attitudes. What he says should not be given any more credit (or thought) than what it's worth.

You should look at the big picture, and see the worth in yourself and what you've been doing with your own life. In your own mind, if he says something hurtful, consider the source and let it roll off your shoulders, it may be hard at first, but I guarantee it will be easier with a little bit of practice.

Best of luck for a good outcome, let us know how he reacts. Ideally, a light will go on in his head and he'll change his ways.
 

kind2creatures

...elusive dreamer
Joined
Apr 5, 2009
Location
USA
He replied.. and basically said he thought he was supporting/loving me and now he feels like an asshole.. but that hes proud of me and will support me in anything I do

Now I feel bad.. but I still am glad I told him how I felt - the only part that makes me feel bad is I brought up lots of times in the past he made me feel that way (I was pretty emotional at the time) - so I think it made it seem like I had/have been harboring resenment towards him for a long time - which probably makes him feel pretty terrible.. I love my dad completely.. he jsut doesnt realize the effect he has on people sometimes.. he's a good person but he seems to always find fault with everyone/everything.. I feel bad for him.
I just read this after I wrote my post. I think the reaction is much more positive than it could've been from him, that's a big opening for improvement in your relationship. :) Don't feel bad about giving all the examples, you had to mention stuff to make him realize that how ongoing it's been.

I couldn't be happier that he said he was proud of you and would support you, It's awesome that he's open-minded enough to appreciate all you said, You did good Moxsum. Your Dad sounds like a good guy that really loves you, things should move forward from this point on and make both of you feel better about yourselves. Excellent that you made it clear for him to understand.
 

Arrowwind09

Standing at the Portal
Joined
Oct 16, 2007
Don't feel bad.

You two are clearing the table for a better relationship.

Give him a big hug when you see him... and also remember, old habits are hard to break.. there may be regression in behavior as this will be a core issue for him to contend with in his personality..

But knowing that he loves and truly is proud of you should help a lot, I would think
 


Top