Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do?!!
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long have you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you come?" they ask.
"Well, I've been here since last night," remarks Mary.
"Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled his hands away and found that all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and flower petals all over.
And on the bed.......... he had handcuffs and ropes!
He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."
So, here I am."
__________________
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease
~Voltaire~
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and shoved her aside while barking, "Step aside, lady, I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder.
"Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor.........................I'm already here."
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from New Hampshire.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home
to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Florida. He gave his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and
the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but
the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw
his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a
huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from New Jersey. He ordered her
to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said
the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix
himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Keeping this from being buried, it's such a goodie!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
LMAO Cookie, thanks for all the great stories. Keep them coming !!!
You got it James! Lol
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This one is rather risque, so anyone 'sensitive' to naughty talk may want to skip this one
LARRY IS IN ROOM 232 AT THE HOSPITAL
Okay, so you're asking, who the heck is Larry?
Larry gets home late one night and his wife Linda asks, "Larry it's late. Where have you been?"
Larry replies with a grin, "I was out getting a tattoo."
Linda's jaw drops "A tattoo?!? What KIND of tattoo?!" she screeches.
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he replies proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?!?" she said, shaking her head in total shock and disgust.
"Why in the world would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?"
Larry looks at his wife and says, "Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow."
"Two, once in a while, I enjoy playing with my money."
"Three, I like how money feels in my hand."
"And, best of all, instead of you going shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
Atta girl!
Hybrid Mode
