One Liners

kind2creatures · � #1 � 08-25-2010, 09:49 AM

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

Mad Scientest · � #2 � 08-25-2010, 10:46 AM

Tonight�s forecast: Dark. Continued dark throughout most of the evening, with some widely-scattered light towards morning.

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid make with real lemons?

When someone asks you, �A penny for your thoughts,� and you put your 2 cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If Barbie�s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If you shouldn�t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, �Where is the self-help section?� She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Where do forest rangers go to �get away from it all�?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

kind2creatures · � #3 � 08-25-2010, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mad Scientest

Tonight�s forecast: Dark. Continued dark throughout most of the evening, with some widely-scattered light towards morning.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid make with real lemons?

Where do forest rangers go to �get away from it all�?

Good ones MS!

Mad Scientest · � #4 � 08-26-2010, 06:53 AM

And a few more more Red Skeleton

MY WIFE AND I WE GO TO A NICE RESTAURANT TWO TIMES A WEEK HAVE A LITTLE BEVERAGE, GOOD FOOD AND COMPANIONSHIP. SHE GOES ON TUESDAYS, I GO ON FRIDAYS.

WE ALSO SLEEP IN SEPARATE BEDS. HERS IS IN CALIFORNIA AND MINE IS IN TEXAS.

I TAKE MY WIFE EVERYWHERE.....BUT SHE KEEPS FINDING HER WAY BACK
.
I ASKED MY WIFE WHERE SHE WANTED TO GO FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY. "SOMEWHERE I HAVEN'T BEEN IN A LONG TIME!" SHE SAID. SO I SUGGESTED THE KITCHEN.

WE GO TO THE MALL WE ALWAYS HOLD HANDS. IF I LET GO, SHE SHOPS.

. MY WIFE HAS AN ELECTRIC BLENDER, ELECTRIC TOASTER AND ELECTRIC BREAD MAKER. SHE SAID "THERE ARE TOO MANY GADGETS AND NO PLACE TO SIT DOWN!" .. SO I BOUGHT HER AN ELECTRIC CHAIR.

MY WIFE TOLD ME THE CAR WASN'T RUNNING WELL BECAUSE THERE WAS SOME WATER IN THE GAS. I ASKED WHERE THE CAR WAS; SHE TOLD ME "IN THE LAKE."

MY WIFE GOT A MUD PACK AND LOOKED GREAT FOR TWO DAYS. THEN THE MUD FELL OFF.

MY WIFE RAN AFTER THE GARBAGE TRUCK, YELLING "AM I TOO LATE FOR THE GARBAGE? THE DRIVER SAID "NO, JUMP IN!"

REMEMBER: MARRIAGE IS THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF DIVORCE.

I MARRIED MISS RIGHT. I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HER FIRST NAME WAS ALWAYS.

Cookie · � #5 � 08-26-2010, 02:36 PM

hahaha!! Really good, you two!!

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