Hello everyone!

I hope that you are all doing good. Today, I realized that I really needed help, so I turned to this forum, because you guys are always so generous and help me! I have never told this to anyone, and haven't even admitted it to myself yet. It might get a bit unclear, but please bare with me.

I am basically going to tell you my life story, and how everything progressed from an early age from a small problem, to something which today is ruining my life and myself.

I'll start with kindergarten, since that is when it all started. I was 5 years old by the time, and I had one true friend, lets call him Tom. (That wasn't his real name, but I am just trying to make matters easier, and for the fact I am Tom too, and he had a very similar name to mine, which also led to use being best friends). Tom and I where best friends. I was stronger and bigger them him, but he was funny, cute and adorable. I really liked him. But one day, he left my kindergarten leaving my heart broken, because I couldn't say good bye to him. Then I realized, I was left with no friends. I couldn't imagine eating alone or playing alone outside, so I had to get a friend, and I had to get him fast. His name was James, and he was my next "best friend". I put best friend in quotation marks, because he was just a person I was with. He took advantage of me, made me bring him toys which he later took and I never saw, broke my toys and beat me up if I cried or tried to tell an older person. I remember a sunny day, we had a small yellow tent up inside my kindergarten. He and I was in there, and he punched my in the face really bad. I started crying, then he got up on me and lifter his fist in the air, and told me that if I don't stop he'll choke me. I heard the teacher come over and ask "Is everything ok? Are you crying?" Because she was outside the tent, she couldn't see me. I started laughing and said: "No, I am just laughing!" Then the teacher looked in, and said "Oh, you are laughing so much that you are crying! How sweet of you James to be his best friend!" Then she left. She of course missed that James was choking me. A year later, I left kindergarten and went to school.

The first three days of school, I was crying non-stop. I missed my parents really bad. They always give me the feeling of safeness and protection. (Up until this day, I can't sleep at someone who I don't know [like camps], and I'll always start crying and beg my parents to take me home.) I looked down on the ground, and cried. I developed a habit of looking on the ground when walking then, and have it today too. Because I was looking onto the ground, I walked into a door once. Of course, everyone in my class started laughing at me. I stopped crying. The crying and the door incident presented me as week and miserable to the other kids. So a week later, the bullying started. This one kid, Carl, started bullying me really bad. First, he beat me up a couple of times (like a punch in the stomach etc). Then, he made sand balls and stuffed them in my eyes and in my mouth. The other kids thought it was fun too, and they did this, chasing me and stuffing sand balls in my mouth for a year. One day, I couldn't take it anymore, and I ran to an area of the school which was forbidden to go to. The kids told the teacher, who came over to me to ask why I was outside the allowed area. The first time in my life, I told an older person that I was treated bad. She said "STOP" to the other kids, and that was it. Another half year later, when I was crying inside the classroom and refused to go outside, they called my parents who talked to them. The teachers talked to the other kids, and they stopped. From that point on, I was left alone. Of course, I was closed out and didn't get invited to birthday parties, and kids took advantage of me and got me to buy and bring toys to them, to give them money etc. My 2nd teacher, who thought math and science, started to hate me too because I lied to her to like me, which worked for a brief 3 months. I lied that we had flamingos in our backyard, but from then on, she hated me and made my academical life a living hell. I realized that the lying worked, so I told all the other kids in my class that I was Harry Potter. They believed me, and loved me for 3 weeks, but then they found out of course, and started ignoring me again. By that time, I was so alone on the breaks that I started picking on an older and stronger fat kid. I called him "fatty" and "pig". This was a bad idea, because he and his friend caught me after break. Two took my arms, and two my feet and they pressed my against the wall. Than the fat kid, threatened to kick me in the groin a lot of times. Then, they let me go.
Later that year, I got a bad grade and a behavior warning because I was fighting with wooden sticks behind school. The grades and warnings where written in a "Report book". I was so embarrassed that I let my down my parents, that I ripped that page out of my report book. The teacher hated my from then, and my dad didn't talk to me for a month, and slapped my so my lip started bleeding, and my finger broke. (I didn't get taken care of my finger, but it works great now). I've never seen my dad that violent, he never was and never is. He is the best dad I could imagine.
That is it for year 3.

In the summer, at a summer camp I met a kid from my class. We made pretty good friends, and he became my new best friend. I didn't have a BF for 5 years now, so I was really happy.

In year 4, with my new BF it was going great. I protected him from mean words, and so did he. His name was Sanyi. All the boys in my class was picking on the fat kid now, and he too. It was great until I said "sorry " to the fat kid, we stopped being friends for a half day, but everything was back to normal then.

It all worked fine- until I had to leave. We had to move to another country. I was in the middle of year seven, and we where moving to Sweden. My parents lost their job, and we where moving to Sweden. I had to leave my class which I now loved, in tears. I cried really bad. I got a small book from them, which every kid signed and wrote a page about stuff and advice. I still have it today.

All the bullying had it's affects. I was an excellent runner, but I had the lack of both upper body muscles and brain power. My brain was focused on how to escape from a situation, not solving it. I still have this today. Please help how to get rid of this. I can't study, I procastinate and get away with it.

We where in spain for 4 months learning the language. I didn't like it, so I didn't learn at all. (Tough now I speak the best in my family!) Multiple families where there, and I was in the same class as a 14 year old kid. He introduced me to porn and gaming, which even up to today I am addicted to, and can't get rid of it. I would love to, please help.

So the year come, and we moved to Sweden. We lived in a cheap apartment with all the other immigrants. I went to school. I - of course - cried in the first week. I barely spoke the language but the kids in Sweden helped me because they where used to immigrants and they helped me learn. I also made couple of friends. Later that year, I was speeding on my bike and fell over really bad, which was my excuse to escape school and be in the hospital for a couple of days, and kept lying about a hurting foot. This is because I couldn't show the weakness that I previously had shown in year 1.

Then comes year six, which I recall as the worst year of my life. I changed school, and got in a really bad class. Really bad, meaning that it was full of immigrants and "gangsters", which just did a ton of bad things. I was with them, and it converted me to the bad side of me. This side, I can still recall today, and sometimes it acts for me. I started waxing my hair, A LOT. I stopped studying, started getting E and F on all my tests, but I was quite smart so I got around with a C on some. Math was easier here, so I didn't have a problem as I continued to study at home from the textbooks I had when I lived in the country (I don't want to tell where I am from since it may be to obvious to people who know me, and I don't want them to see this story, so I am just going to say that I am from east Europe.) I also kept learning and revising my mother language and history. I started to "hang with the gangsters" and started to hate my parents, spent less time with them and just hated them. And thus, I started gaming. I played Counter Strikes and other games for a whole while, which ruined my brain pretty much. This year was just a mess, it's impossible to describe as you may have noticed, sorry. I hate myself for what I have done to myself and others and my parents that year...

Year 7 was really good. I changed school, and learned a bunch of stuff. My grades where still just C and B, no matter how much I studied. I made friends, and got popular.

Year 8 was just a bit downhill from there, but I am currently in this year now. I started to study a bit more, and now can achive A in some and B in some other subjects. My lack of interests for sports and my poor physical condition made me loose some friends. I've got style, and a geek but at least I am accepted in my class. I am not so social and can't talk to people much, I always get stuck in a conversation, but I am fine with it.

I really want to get better grades. But all these years, I have been waiting for that life changing *something* to come. That moment, that second. But it never did. I don't know if there is something out there, but I am really wondering what to do. It's like a sign from the universe which without I cant study or live. What do you think I should do to stop this waiting and just move on with my life? I have tried plenty of stuff, but it's just not quite right. Please help.

So by now, you are probably wondering what this is all about. How the topic relates to this story. Well, under these years I had a lot of suicidal thoughts. I think it may just be easier to give and and stick a knife trough my heart. I want to see myself die, I want to see the others cry. But that may just be me. I don't want to hurt myself or choose the bad thing (like choosing death over living or living over death), so please answer the three questions above (if you can) and this one. It would change my life. It would help me.


With lots of love,
Tom.

Hi Tom, I'd like to start with the fact that you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you, and you have the power to make the choices that will shape your future and make you happy. It's unfortunate that you've had to move around so much, changing schools and friends, etc., but that is a fact of life for many people, and the smart ones use it to their advantage to grow, learn, and strenghten themselves mentally, physically and emotionally.

It's too bad that you were bullied at all, but there are many different types of people in this world, and some need to hide their weaknesses or misery by pushing others around. You also saw the value of treating people kindly when you apologized to the overweight kid for name calling. People who are mean to others are never really happy inside. So, in these instances in your life, you should consider them learning experiences. If you learn from all your life lessons and mistakes, it will make you that much stronger as an adult.

Remember, that all your past experiences from the kindergarten years on, are just that, the past. You'll do best not to linger on those stories too much and make them any more powerful than they realistically are. Think of yourself today, in the present, and guide yourself into a productive and fulfilling future. Get away from the porn, gaming and other negative activities that you may have now. Honestly, when you look at the big picture of life, they are truly a waste of time and precious energy. Get away from the losers, or you're sure to become one. Stay with people that have a more positive energy.

Think about your self value. Just being pretty healthy with no major handicaps is something to be thankful for, there are babies born with no arms or legs, or serious heart problems, where they have to undergo numerous painful surgeries, and many don't get the chance to live long enough to grow up and enjoy life. It's good if you start to take care of yourself, mentally and physically. I think it true about karma, where you get what you give out of life. Do more constructive things in your teenage years, like improving yourself, or helping others, believe me, your overall mood will change quickly and be more positive.

I am not an expert in the area of mental health, and if you're seriously contemplating suicide, then you need to get help from a counselor immediately to help you cope with your problem. But, if you're just bummed out, you have the control to change that around to feeling good about yourself. Get out in nature if you can, check out a sunrise or sunset, watch some birds in a tree with binoculars, take a walk with someone through the woods, just lie on the grass and watch the clouds change shape...all these things will relax you, clear your head, and help to put things in perspective. Glad you posted, I wish you the best, keep us updated on how things are going for you. I know there's a bright future ahead.

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"We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanual Kant~

NatMedTalk and Beyond

Much of what you have gone through is not so different from what countless others go through as they grow up.. this is not to diminish your experience and your pain, but to help you understand that these negative social situations can be over come and are overcome daily by others who have experienced the same.

You've been down and you've been up. So you know that both situations are possible. Now that you are older you can start choosing those people and situations that you want to have in your life.

Choose those things that make your heart feel good. Choose people who love life and prefer to give kindness. When you run into others who do not meet a certain standard of positiveness just excuse yourself from their presence. There are many people in the world and you always have choice.

Also lots of people get suicide thoughts at different points in their life. Its not uncommon to think that this life is a bummer and I could just check out.. but although life is a bummer at times it is also a gift, a gift that you have an active part in creating. If you feel that you could act on these thoughts seek out a counselor and dont stop asking for help until you find it... specifically ask for help stating what you are thinking of doing. Finding your way out of this kind of darkness is possible. Its just a matter of learing to view your life from a different perspective.

Good luck. Regardless of how things sometimes appear, life is great. Learn to spiritually ask for great things and accept them when they come your way.

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Sorry for the late reply, I was kept up with tests and stuff!
Thank you for your replies, they really helped me!

kind2creatures, you gave me a lot of inspiration. It's nice to have some one understand you! Thanks!

Arrowwind09, thank you for your input, you got me thinking. You pointed out that "is not so different from what countless others go through as they grow up". This is EXACTLY what I started thinking about 2 days ago (not because you pointing it out), maybe that my life is not so much harder- but actually easier than others.
Maybe I am just a week person, and this is the exact reason I am still considering suicide. I just feel bad that my parent have me, such a bad kid. I wish I wouldn't be this first sperm to fertilize the egg. I really do. I also feel bad for the people I know and mostly my family, how I have let them down and will let them down.

Thank you for your posts, I really appreciate it. This is the most help anyone has given me (besides my parents raising me up!)

You're very welcome Tom. Keep in mind, being a weak person is just a state of mind. You have the power to get rid of those bad feelings about yourself and the effect on your family, it's not as hard as you think, it'll come naturally. It's up to you...you can make it that you "were" a bad kid, and you "did" let others down. Now is the perfect time to look ahead to a new beginning and make some changes in your attitude and actions. Your family will definitely be VERY happy that you did, and so will you!