Doctor Jokes by Henny Youngman

kind2creatures · � #1 � 10-27-2011, 09:06 PM

- A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

- My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

- The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

- The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

- The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

- A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

- "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

- A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

- A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

- "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

- Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Solstice Goat · � #2 � 11-07-2012, 03:26 AM

A proctologyst needs to write a prescription. He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and says, "Some asshole must have my pen!"

tick · � #3 � 11-07-2012, 05:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Solstice Goat

A proctologyst needs to write a prescription. He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and says, "Some asshole must have my pen!"

LOL... That's a good one....

"�Doctor, doctor, I can�t stop my hands shaking!� �Do you drink a lot?� �Of course not. I spill most of it!�"

"�Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.� �I�ll deal with you later!�"

"

Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.
Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

"
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

LOL

Last one for now...

"

Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. Two of the ladies began to chat about their pregnancies, and their due dates and such.
One of the women said to the other, "I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top."
Replied the other woman, "Oh! That must mean that I'm going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top."
The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two ladies turned to her and asked, "My heavens, what ever is wrong?"
The third woman wailed tearfully, "I'm afraid that I may be having a puppy!"

Cookie · � #4 � 11-07-2012, 04:51 PM

That was a good belly laugh!!

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